Is my life all about “ME” or is my life all about “me”; who will it be? We have a picture of a stunningly beautiful and gifted girl, a close relative, on our kitchen counter. As I was looking at it the other morning, the thought came to me, “Is my life all about ME, Jesus, or all about me, Peter?” And then I gave my thoughts free rein. “Am I focused on what Jesus did or what I did and do? Have I been walking in the footsteps of the most controversial Person in history or have I been trying to chart my own course to heaven or hell or nowhere?” I was compelled to reflect and ponder about what really matters.
I wished I would have taken the time to do that a lot earlier in life. Did my life’s journey bring glory to Jesus or to myself? Do the trophies in my trophy room define my worth? Is it time to trash my trophies or get more? Is silver and gold what my children will inherit or will they be eager to follow in the footsteps of the Carpenter from Nazareth or someone else? Good questions, don’t you think?
Am I lifting up myself, my children or grandchildren to a place of prominence and honor or am I lifting up King Jesus to a place of prominence? Or am I trying to do both? Or is it even possible or wise to try to do both? Jesus said that it can’t be done. He said that we can’t serve two masters at the same time. These are powerful questions that deserve our attention and answers early on in life. Who is my role model and who or what is my god or goal? Is it a man-made or self-made god or is it the Crucified One who gave His Life for me, Peter?
I wished I would have asked such questions much earlier. Maybe I would not have squandered my youth and have placed so much emphasis on “me”. I would not have thought of myself more highly than I ought to and gobbled up all that praise or made little gods out of my job, children or education. Only in retrospect do I realize that many of my goals and efforts chased that proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. But my God is a merciful God. As soon as I realized and admitted the stupidity of my selfish and arrogant ways, He forgave me. Today my life is not about Peter first, but about Jesus first. Before acting, I now ask, “What would Jesus do?”
From early on in our marriage, Rebekah recognized my narcissistic (look at me, look at what I am doing, look at what I have done) nature. But she loved me in spite of my self-centered personality. Ever so carefully she nudged me toward Jesus. “Peter,” she said, “Flash Jesus’ credentials, not your own.” She was like a little tugboat that nudges a big ocean-liner trapped in that small harbor called “self.” One day she surprised me with a little 3” by 5” sign. Here is a picture of it.
Today, many years later, I no longer try to see myself as that ocean-liner, but see myself as a little tugboat. There is only one safe ocean-liner and His name is Jesus. And He lives inside of me now because I made room for Him and invited Him. He is teaching me how to be a good tugboat operator. Operating a tugboat is not as stressful as trying
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to be the captain of another “Titanic”. In other words, “playing god”. That’s a lot more responsibility than anyone should try to shoulder. I no longer have to strive for the gold, because the Gold is now inside of me. Not everyone can see it and not everyone is supposed to.
This anecdote fits in perfectly here. This happened while I was washing the car in our driveway. A little boy came peddling by and was watching me wash the car. I took advantage of that rare moment and asked him if he knew Jesus and wanted to invite Him into his heart. He replied, “I don’t have any room in my heart for Jesus. It’s stuffed full of my toys.” Then he peddled off. I only recall the name of one of his stuffed animals – Br’er Rabbit. Some twenty minutes later he came back and said, “I rearranged my toys and now have room for Jesus.” This story has been waiting to be told for the past 45 years.
Drawing attention to myself is still a big temptation. I have to stay on guard. I still catch myself doing it in subtle ways. For me, attention and applause was and still is like a narcotic, like a “high”. I could never get enough of it.
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I could never completely fill that vacuum in my heart. I still love to be praised
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but try to quickly pass the praise onto King Jesus where it belongs. I don’t always make it and that is where my handmaiden Rebekah gently steps in. She lets me know that I have once again gotten my hands into the cookie-jar of God’s glory. She makes it a point not to feed my unhealthy and unholy ego.
Jewish mothers are known for building up the ego (self-esteem) of their children. They try to build self-esteem in lieu of God-esteem. They try to build self-confidence in lieu of God-confidence. And I had one of those Jewish mothers. Here is a keeper along those lines. Anthony Campolo told this story in one of his well-known sermons. This Jewish mother sent her boy to school, but he did not do well and got very poor grades on his report card. When his mother saw the report card she was furious. She said, “That just goes to show you that those teachers don’t know how to teach an intelligent kid.”
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Well folks, now at 83. I am no longer going for the Olympic gold. The Olympic gold is no longer my god or a substitute for God. “This is my happiness, God is my Father and I am his child.” In fact, I have trashed my trophies, degrees and accolades. It was hard but also very freeing. They no longer define my worth or who I am.
When I enrolled at UCLA in 1951 (University of California at Los Angeles), the semester cost was 43 dollars plus the cost of books. The trophies (degrees) were not as expensive as they are today. I did not need to beg for or borrow funds to get me through school. Our granddaughter just enrolled at UC Berkley at a cost of $40,000 a year; and that’s considered a bargain. Something is terribly wrong. We can go to the moon, build atomic bombs, make heart transplants, but we can’t get along with one another; and more schooling is not the answer.
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Hear this presidents, politicians, commanders, and educators: You will never win any war by killing your enemies; you will always make more enemies. It’s the wrong strategy. Your enemies are not my enemies. I don’t take sides in man-made wars. You must train hearts for peace before training hands for war. I have shown you how that’s done. I have also sent the Holy Spirit to be your teacher and guide. Everyone can get home-schooled for free once they give their hearts to Me. My name is Jesus.
For us to fall and fail along life’s journey may be God’s severe mercy so that at the end of our journey it will be all about KING JESUS and very little about me or us.
Peter
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Here is a “God-breathed reply to “All about ME or me?”
Peter,
This is always the question, isn't it? Am I charting and pursuing my own course or is the course of my life surrendered to Christ?
God's mercy has been severe with me. He allowed all the things in my life to die that were poisoning his Son in me; affluence, finances, possessions, greed, self aggrandizement, and a divided heart. These were some of the trappings of my course charted by me. It was my own secretive, sick brand of narcissism and He took the initiative to put the Sword to them.
I bow my knee to the one true King with thanksgiving. When His appointed chaos was blowing through my life He appeared to be my enemy, but I will forever thank Him for His extreme mercy in dealing with me as one of his own.
Thank you once more for your own vulnerability expressed in these letters and the evocative questions.
Much love to you and precious Rebekah.
John
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