Hello again, my friend and brother in Christ. Thank you again for traveling down the road of mental illness before me. Thank you for battling with the fierce enemies of our souls that torment the vulnerable in the battlefield of the mind. Thank you for your relentless pursuit of Our Lord Jesus Christ who has set you free from the bondage of insanity and thank you for carrying your cross to reach others who need to know that there is healing through the Blood of Our Lord and Savoir Jesus Christ. I am still writing my story primarily to you Peter and I am so grateful to have an elder brother who understands that the most painful part of my journey was the suffering that occurred in my mind. It was because of this torment that I walked and starved and cried out to God. The delusions were so powerful that I hardly realized sometimes what I was putting my body through. It was my mind and my soul not my body that hurt. It hurt so bad that all I could do was walk and talk to God to get through it. I don’t regret any of it. The Bible says, “ That all things work together for good to them that love God and are called according to His purpose. For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.” (Romans 8:28,29) That is you and I Peter. The one whom we call Lord calls us brothers. Thank you, Jesus!

I’m in Texas now Peter. I’ve crossed the Sabine River into Eastern Texas. It was early in the morning when I crossed the bridge. I dug for food along the way at a campsite for RV travelers. I do my best to be invisible. In my mind most of the time I go unnoticed but sometimes I can’t avoid attempts by others to try to help me. I walked west through San Augustine. East Texas is pretty well forested, not at all like the desert landscape in the western part of the state. I headed west towards Nacogdoches. Nacogdoches is a pretty big town with a lot of dumpsters, hence a lot of choices for food. I could be selective about where I ate in big towns, mostly searching for food at supermarkets and hotels. Hotels were really good for finding food believe it or not because people threw away a lot of half eaten foods and snacks they had in their cars for the ride; plus I found a lot of newspapers and magazines. My favorite pastime in big towns was to spend my time sitting by a dumpster or a tree with no one around reading yesterdays news and eating what I had hunted and gathered. Reading was my favorite distraction. I ate well and moved on. I headed through a bunch of small towns towards Crockett on Rte. 7. I went through the Davy Crockett National forest. I remember trying to find food in Crockett on a day when they were collecting trash. It seemed like everywhere I went the dumpsters were empty. I also remember being asked to leave town by a cop who had found me behind a supermarket.

I headed west again on state highway 7 towards Centerville and the I-45. At this point, I don’t think I knew where I was on the map. I just knew I wanted to keep heading west and to avoid big cities. My main objective though was to fast and pray and to discern God’s will for me as I understood it. I listened to the thoughts I had as they came to me like a still small voice and I observed the signs that God gave me through His creation. I know that God was leading me. I know it because I believed it and I acted out on the faith that God had given me. It’s amazing to me now though that looking back I know also that a lot of my thoughts were paranoid and they did not come from God; however I know He used the demonic lies anyway and because I kept my focus on Him he led me despite the gripping attacks on my mind and the strong delusions that came from the enemy. There is no stopping God from prevailing in the midst of things when we are honestly in search of Him. All things work together for good…

In Centerville, I ate what I could find – a package of stale hamburger buns from the corner restaurant. I was there for a day or two; then I headed north towards Buffalo. Buffalo was basically a rest stop on Interstate 45. There I found food and read old newspapers. In Buffalo, I also went into a convenience store, which I normally never did, and looked at a map. I didn’t stay in there long. I needed to know where I was so I could avoid going through major cities. I got a feel for where I was and tentatively plotted my course and left the store. I decided to stay on remote back roads so that I could fast or starve myself, just as Jesus did.

I headed south towards Jewett, then west towards Personville. Continuing west I headed towards Marlin. Somewhere around here I fasted for three or four days underneath a bridge. I had a jug or two of water and I set up camp. I lay there and read the psalms and prayed. I remember watching the little birds flying all around me. I’m not exactly sure what kind of birds they were but they were small like sparrows and they had pointed wings. They gave me comfort. I felt like God had sent them to keep me company and to remind me that I wasn’t alone. I had a dream or a vision, I can’t remember which, that the birds were actually angels hovering all around me. It was a very vivid image I saw of the birds as little cartoon-like people flying all around me like little children so innocent and friendly. I remember the vision well. That one must have come from God.

I don’t remember Marlin, but I knew I was close to Waco because of a road sign that told how far it was and I remember thinking about the Branch Davidians and what happened there. Conspiracy theories abound and I believed the Government had done the work of the Devil there. Truth is, I didn’t know the facts and I still don’t but at the time I believed that the Government was the servant and the institution of the Devil and I believed they were after me. I truly did. I would always see these cars with Department of Defense stickers on the windshields and I thought they were following me. Paranoid and delusional! I headed south towards Cameron.

All I remember about Cameron was hiding behind the dumpster at Pizza Hut eating garbage. There was a donut shop there too where I ate. I headed west towards Temple on I-35. Temple was a pretty big town. Fort Hood was there and I saw a lot of military personnel in that town, which made me more paranoid and uncomfortable. I believe we had already invaded Iraq and it was fresh on my mind as I walked along 190. It must have been April or May 2003. It was a very busy place on 190 and walking through it was stressful. I went through Killeen and Copperas Cove. Eventually, I made it through all the congestion and continued west towards Lampasses.

I remember Lampasses pretty well. I spent a few days there eating and rummaging through the garbage. I tried to leave town and go west a few times but kept going back to eat. The landscape was changing from green vegetation and forest to a drier more desert like terrain. I was really tormented at this time as I recall. I was in a place where I really wanted to end it all. This was the only time that I remember actually wanting to physically (besides fasting) harm myself. I had a bungee cord and I actually climbed a tree and almost hung myself. I wanted it to end so badly. I tested the bungee to see if it would work but it broke.

Onward and westward, I headed into the remote desert of west Texas through Lometa. Between Lometa and San Saba I lay down in a culvert on the side of the road to fast. I stayed there for seven days. The longest I had ever fasted up until that point. There were some birds in that underground tunnel to keep me company. I think they were purple martins, a variety of swallow native to that area. In these underground tunnels along the road in central and west Texas there were these colonies of birds that made their nests out of mud in these underground tunnels. It was really cool to be fasting with the birds close by because they kept me company in my loneliness. After spending seven days with nothing to eat I was weak and I was unable to hold out any longer, so I headed west towards San Saba, the pecan capital of the world or so the sign says as you enter the town. I ate and headed west. About 20 miles or so west of the town I headed out into a pasture and fasted there for 5 days. I saw a lot of snakes and I was scared of getting bit by a rattlesnake, but I guess I just figured I’d leave it in God’s hands and fortunately I was never bit. I did encounter a lot of snakes though, a lot of diamondbacks too. I was almost struck once while walking along the road as it was getting dark and I couldn’t see real well. I jumped and it missed. That was the closest I ever came to getting bit. I hate snakes.

Heading west through Richland Springs toward Rochelle I don’t remember very much. It may have been in Rochelle, if I remember correctly that a bunch of kids started messing with me. It was a really small town so there weren’t a lot of options for finding food, but there was a Dairy Queen and the kids saw me in the dumpster and they were laughing and throwing rocks at me. It was another low point and I felt so removed from society and life. I had nowhere to go but to God so I clung to Him in my mind and I left town with the kids riding behind me on their bikes shouting insults and laughing. I headed west towards Brady.

I was in Brady for a day or two, not much to tell just the usual. I left as it was getting dark and headed west towards Menard. It was a 30 mile walk that I know took me two days. I arrived in Menard in the evening and there wasn’t much there, but I did manage to find these little pizzas at a gas station that had been thrown away. I ate and went to sleep on the porch of an abandoned building right next to the gas station. It rained really hard that night, but I was protected under that roof, which was a blessing. I left early the next morning and it was 50 miles of nothing to El Dorado. The only thing I could find to eat along the way was what was in the trash cans at these little rest stops along the way which was nothing more than a picnic table and a metal trash can. I found very little to eat for two or three days.

I arrived in El Dorado at night. I walked hard because I was in a hurry to find something to eat. I found food after searching for a bit and then I found a place to sleep outside around some old farm equipment. I spent the next day in town searching for food and reading old newspapers. I decided that the stretch of road I had just been on would be a good place to fast so I headed back east towards Menard with a couple of jugs of water. I left in the evening and I only made it about 6 or 7 miles out of town before I got tired and found a place to sleep for the night. The next day I headed further east and I got caught in a really bad hail storm. I took cover in a culvert. I found the shelter just in time to avoid being pelted by the very large hail. The storm passed in front of me and I came out of my hole and saw a real rainbow above the road ahead. I needed a perceived sign from God now and then for encouragement and those rainbows really meant something to me.

After a day or two of fasting I went back to El Dorado at night. Under the cover of darkness I went about the town searching the dumpsters for something to eat. While others were sleeping I was scavenging through their filth in the middle of the night… sigh…. Occasionally, if I couldn’t find anything else, I would go to a school and search for food. I found that kids tend to throw away a lot of what their parents pack in their lunch. I was always partial to eating something that was in a wrapper to eating something that was not, but either way I ate regardless. That very night I had been in the front of the school searching the trash can to see what was there and someone saw me and they thought I was trying to break into the school. The cops came and picked me up and took me to the police station. One of the officers stayed behind searching for signs of a break in. They interrogated me for two hours and they tried to get me to confess to breaking and entering, but I told them that I was only searching through the garbage. I don’t think they understood that or even believed me, but I certainly wasn’t going to admit to something I didn’t do. After a few hours and once the other cop said he saw no signs of breaking and entering, they decided to let me go, but they didn’t want me around so they took me north to the county line. They dropped me off in the middle of nowhere and told me to never set foot in their county again. I was OK with that. I walked for a while at night until I found a place to sleep. It must have been 2 or 3 in the morning.

The next morning I went north through Christoval and towards San Angelo. In San Angelo, which was a big town, I did the usual and I stayed for a day or two and then I went north towards Sterling City. It was a 2 day walk to Sterling City; there I ate and moved on. At this point I had psyched myself up to fast again so I left the highway and went west down 58 towards Garden City. It was a really remote area and I walked carrying three gallon milk jugs filled with water so that I could fast for an extended period of time. The goal was to stop eating permanently and just lay there and die or wait for someone to kill me as the delusion went, but I never made it very long before hunger got the best of me and I went to the next closest place to eat. I tried, though, over and over again. No sooner had I filled my belly when usually I would go right back to an attempt at starvation. I headed north towards Big Spring.

I wish I could give you an exact date as to when I was in this area, but I don’t really remember. I do know that it is probably late spring and early summer because soon it would get really hot in West Texas. I’m more than halfway through the state but I’ve began to head north which is making my course from east to west that much longer. I guess I was kind of glad that I didn’t leave El Dorado heading west because it was 83 miles to Iraan and I would have been back on the interstate.

So I’m in Big Spring and it’s on Interstate 20. It’s a big town and I’m able to eat well. I’m hanging out at a rest stop right on the interstate searching for food at hotels and truck stops. I remember being under an overpass above the highway sitting up in the steel and concrete. I was looking at all the graffiti from other tramps and transients who had come before me. There were road names and poems scrawled all over the steel beams. I read them and the years they had been there dating back to the sixties in some cases; and I imagined their adventures. If I had had a road name I think I would have called myself Turtle because I was slow but persistent and steady just like the Tortoise in Aesop’s fable. Just a silly thought.

After a couple of days I began walking again along the Interstate. I went east for some reason. I have no idea why since my general direction was to keep heading west towards New Mexico and Arizona. I walked on the side of the road with traffic coming towards me, because I didn’t want anyone to stop to ask me if I needed a ride and also because I wanted to see the cars in front of me instead of trusting them not to hit me from behind. There were plenty of exits to eat at along the highway and I went east all the way to Sweetwater. In Sweetwater I read in the local paper about an annual rattlesnake round up which was also a big festival with a rattlesnake queen and all that. I think they collected the snake’s venom to make a reserve of the antidote. I remember being intrigued that rattlesnakes were just a fact of life in those parts. Lord knows, I saw my share of them.

I also remember a man who saw me digging in a dumpster and tried to help me. He was probably the first person, besides the police, that I had spoken with in a while. He offered me some food and tried to witness about Jesus to me.

After being in big towns for a week or so, I began to feel restless. I had a love/hate relationship with these big towns. I loved them because while I was there I could eat or read old newspapers or just walk around town. While I was there I would sometimes forget about myself and the insane thoughts of being persecuted or killed. I would forget that it was my job to go out in the desert and starve myself to death. I escaped from the torment for a little while and just simply thought about what I read or what I might find in the next dumpster or go searching for clothes instead of food. Before long, though, I would be called back to my intended purpose and I would fight with myself to leave town, go to a remote area and fast. When I did this I took only water, as much as I could carry, sometimes as much as 4 gallon milk jugs. Two in my hands and two tied to my makeshift backpack. I would walk as fast as I could away from town praying and fighting the urge to go back where there was food and life. It was a battle I fought over and over again.

So, I left the Interstate and began heading north on some secondary roads. Highway 70 took me 30 miles through two small towns, Roby and then Rotan. Then about 20 miles north of Rotan, I found a place to fast, another culvert underneath the road. This one was rather small, but I thought it would suffice to lie down and pray out of sight. I fasted there for 5 days. The bad part about culverts was that their purpose is to divert water away from the road and when it rained as it did one night, the tunnel filled up with water. It was pouring outside the tunnel and the inside was like a river. So, no matter what I did I was screwed. The culvert was only big enough to lie down in and I didn’t want to get wet so I straddled the water as it flowed and just waited it out, which was very uncomfortable. It was a long night and while I was busy trying to stay dry, my sandals that I had left outside got washed away in the ravine. I didn’t realize it until the next day, so I walked and searched the ravine barefoot and tried to reach down into the muddy pit to search for my sandals. I only found one. I was there for 5 days just praying and sleeping. One day as I sat there I noticed a road runner and when I took a second look I saw that he was battling a rattlesnake. I think the bird had a nest nearby and the diamondback was probably threatening her eggs. Anyway, it was a pretty memorable thing to watch. The road runner just ran in circles around the diamondback pecking at the snake. The snake was just coiled up in a defensive position, occasionally striking at the bird, but the bird was too fast.

After 5 days I couldn’t stand it any longer so I headed back to Rotan to eat. I had to walk 15-20 miles with only one shoe. I tied a sweatshirt around the other foot. I prayed to God for shoes. In a town that small it was an act of God that I found one even if it was a single shoe for the wrong foot. I wore it anyway. After eating what little I could find, I headed back north again with 2 left shoes. I made it back to the same place and fasted for another 5 days. This time, because I had a fever, which was the only time I ever got sick while I was on the road.

After 5 more days, feeling very weak from fasting for 10 of the last 11 days and from the fever, I crawled out of my tunnel with 2 left shoes and went north towards Claremont. I remember crying along the way. It was weird, I cried more than a few times on my journey, but I also went long periods of time feeling numb without a tear to shed. It had been a while and it just hit me, so I just went off the road a little bit and sat there and sobbed. It was such a relief to cry. It was like the Holy Spirit would just touch me and I would sit there and cry out to my God. All that pain just poured out of my soul to God. Psalm 56 says, “Thou tellest my wanderings, Put thou my tears into thy bottle…” I know God remembers those tears.

From Claremont to Jayton and then back from Jayton to Claremont I was stopped once by a cop who saw my predicament and had pity. He offered me military rations and combat boots. I was still wearing two left shoes. I refused his help to his astonishment. He tried to persuade me, but I was irrationally determined not to accept help. That was in Jayton. When I went back to Claremont, I found a pair of rubber cowboy boots. I was already wearing a pair of wranglers and a western style shirt that I had found in a dumpster a while back and now I had cowboy boots. I was really dressing the part of a West Texas vagrant. Well, I had no socks to go with those plastic cowboy boots and they really hurt my feet and gave me blisters, but I made it north to Spur. I ran into the same cop from Kent County who had tried to get me to take the combat boots and he asked me where I found the boots. I guess he was thinking that maybe I stole them. I told him what dumpster I found them in.

Another cop pulled up and they sat there and talked in private discussing perhaps what they should do with me. It started raining and they just let me go; so I walked north in the rain until the storm passed. Oh yeah, back in Claremont I had found a place to camp in another culvert, a large one that you could stand up in. I left my pack there while I went searching for food which was sparse in Crosbyton. When I returned and opened my pack I found a tarantula underneath it. I thought it was a little weird and a little scary to find it under my stuff. I thought that maybe someone put it there to mess with me.

In Spur, I got stopped by a cop right at nightfall, and I was really hungry, so I was looking forward to searching for food. He refused to let me walk through his town so he escorted me to the county line on Rt. 82. I walked all night the rest of the way to Crosbyton. In Crosbyton there were plenty of places to search for food, so I stayed there for a couple of days eating and resting behind a building. I still felt kind of sick and I wasn’t really up for traveling. It was really starting to get hot, too, in West Texas and I spent a lot of my time resting where there was shade. Even when I was walking I would often find a tree to rest under in the middle of the afternoon during the hottest part of the day. I had to carry a lot of water with me between towns. At least two gallons every time I left a town.

After spending a couple of days in Crosbyton, I went west on 82 through Ralls, Lorenzo, and Idalou. I remember how the land had become more flat as I had traveled to the northwest towards Lubbock. There was nothing but farms along the highway and those long irrigation systems on wheels. I’m not sure what else to call them. I pondered whether or not I could use the water to drink. I decided that the water was probably not safe so I gave up on the idea of using it as a source of water during an extended fast. I thought that maybe in New Mexico or Arizona I would find a place to fast where there were clear running streams for me to drink from.

I went from town to town pretty fast until I was in Lubbock. My boots were worn out on the bottom and my feet were covered with blisters. I recall putting cardboard and newspapers in my boots to cover the holes. I also found a piece of a cushion that I tore into pieces and put in my boots for padding because they were like walking in goulashes with no socks. In Lubbock, I searched for food first before I went exploring the town. I was praying that I would find shoes and clothing at a Good Will or second hand store dumpster. I looked in the phonebook for an address for the Good Will, but I don’t recall how I actually found it without asking someone. Anyway, I found several second hand stores after being in Lubbock for a few days. I found a lot of stuff I could use, shoes, clean clothing, and even a nice backpack. I was relieved and thankful to have these things. I’m reminded of Matthew 6:31 “Therefore take no thought, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ Or, ‘What shall we drink?’ Or, ‘Wherewithal shall we be clothed?’ ... for your Heavenly Father knoweth you have need of all these things.”

I left Lubbock after a few days. I don’t remember the name of the next town where I found an abandoned house next to a gas station. I camped out there for a few days. Whenever I found an old house that had a lot of old books and magazines left behind I was tempted to stay for a while and read, especially if there was food close by. It was the best distraction from the dark reality of my existence. In so many of these old places it was like someone had just up and left without taking any of their belongings. Sometimes I would spend hours or days combing through and reading the old books and magazines. I never took anything with me. I always left everything the way it was, even carrying out my trash. I remember reading an old article about satanic cults and ritualistic murders in Juarez, New Mexico. The article sent fear into me as I imagined that I would one day face a similar horror. Human sacrifice and bizarre ritualistic torture - my visions haunted me.

I headed south on 62 towards Brownfield. In Brownfield I got stuck. I stayed there for at least a month during what seemed like the hottest part of the summer. There were plenty of places to eat and I spent a lot of time camping out behind a strip mall where there was a pond with some ducks. I enjoyed their company and I would get bread from the supermarket dumpster nearby and feed them for hours. I really didn’t like that town and I tried repeatedly to leave, but it was so hot and so far to the next town, like 40 or 50 miles, that every time I left I would turn around and come back to Brownfield for food. I kept leaving with the intention of fasting again permanently. Every time I left I carried 4 gallons of water with me, which was heavy, and I prayed really hard as I went out into the hot, dry, and flat landscape determined to leave the world for good through fasting. I tried this over and over during that month in Brownfield. One time I walked about a day and a half and found a field with a bunch of old farm equipment. I decided it would be a good place to hide out and fast. I spent seven days resting under a rusted old flat bed trailer in the middle of a field out of the direct sunlight, right along with some really irritating ants that bit the heck out of me. A couple of times a farmer would come out there on his tractor and do some things with his farming equipment. I just lay there in silence hoping that he wouldn’t see me lying in his field.

After seven days I was about out of water, so I decided to head back to Brownfield again. It was more than a days trek back there in the blazing heat and I ran out of water on the way back. I was already weak from fasting and now I was out of water, which is a little more difficult that not having food. I made it back obviously, but I was really concerned about how I was going to fast for any length of time without an endless supply of water like a river or stream. I knew I needed to be in a remote area where there was no food and that I needed to get myself to the point where I couldn’t get back up or walk back to town, but I didn’t want to go without water, because that hurt. Going without food was one thing, fasting was hard but after a while you got used to it and it wasn’t real painful. You would get weak and tired, but it wasn’t really painful, at least not for the length of time I had fasted, which really wasn’t that long compared to how long it would take to kill myself through starvation. On the other hand being thirsty, hurt, and I didn’t want to go out that way, so I knew I needed a clear running river or stream if I was ever going to fast long term. I thought about Utah and Colorado, but I knew it would be fall before I got there and I didn’t want to be stuck there outdoors in the winter. I set my sights on Arizona, maybe there would be some rivers or streams in a remote location somewhere between the mountains in the north and the desert in the south.

So I left Kermit and went south towards I-20 all the way to Pyote; then I went west to Pecos where I ate and rested for a few days. In Pecos I hung out at a park where there was running water. I washed my feet, face, and hands. A really troubling thing happened there. One day a really perverted individual came up to me and exposed himself and said some things I won’t repeat. If I had been in another frame of mind I would have wanted to hurt him, but I wasn’t looking for trouble so I just left town right away and went west. It was a long road ahead and many miles between rest areas and exits on west Texas I-20. I walked all the way to Kent where there was a little gas station where I found food. I sat and rested nearby for maybe three days.

I was weary of being on the Interstate and I felt the need again to fast, so I went north on a country road away from the Interstate. There was absolutely nothing on this stretch of road that went into the Apache Mountains, nothing but desert, mountains, and wildlife. There were free range cattle about as well as deer, coyotes, birds, and jackrabbits. Every now and then I’d see a water trough for the cattle. Stagnant, putrid water not even fit for cows. I walked hard and fast determined to go as far away from everything as I could. The asphalt turned to a gravel road and I kept on. After 2 days I was at least 40 miles from the Interstate. A couple of deer ran right in front of me and jumped the fence along the road. The last ones hind legs hit the fence and he fell to the ground. He got up and looked right at me then turned and ran away. What a weird thing to see such a graceful creature stumble and fall.

I was looking for a place to fast. I had taken several gallons of water with me but I had already drunk most of it on the way. Then I came across a well with a big drum of water. I guess it was for the cows and there was a container full of water. I climbed up the steps to take a look at the water and I thought it looked fresher than the water that the cows were drinking out of their troughs. I sampled the water and I decided it would do. It didn’t taste that good but I thought I could tolerate it. I will stay here I thought and when I run out of water I can fill up again as long as I need to. I looked for a place to camp. There was a rocky hill across the road not too far from the well. I climbed the little mountain and found a little cave made of fallen rocks on the other side. I decided to stay there and fast. I was a long way from anything. I thought it would be a good place to execute my plan of fasting indefinitely. I fasted and prayed and read my Bible. I had a real Spirit filled experience on the top of that hill. Everything around me spoke of God’s glory. On that hilltop so far away from anything I was surrounded by nature. I watched the birds of prey circling over that valley in search of food and from the top of that hill I saw wild coyotes, rabbits, and deer walking around below. The weather was constantly changing from sunny skies to fast moving clouds and thunderstorms. I was in awe of the huge sky out there in those mountains. There were several loud thunderstorms that came through and I watched and listened to them as if they echoed God’s voice so powerful and majestic. I was so close to God on top of that hill both physically and spiritually. Everything around me testified of His greatness.

After seven days I was weak and I decided to walk but instead of going south again towards the Interstate I went further north into no man’s land not knowing if it led to a place where I would find food or water. I walked north, then west, then south with no idea where I was or where I was heading. Eventually I hit pavement again and I saw signs for Van Horn. Van Horn was about 40 miles west of Kent on I-20 where I had left the Interstate. I had made a half circle. In Van Horn, I ate and I found fresh clothes which was always nice. I was there for a couple of days before I got back on the Interstate heading west for 130 miles all the way to El Paso, the last city in Texas. It was around September 2003.

So I walked along the I-10 for several days until a sheriff saw me walking along the Interstate. He picked me up and then drove me about 30 miles to a rest area on the county line. It was probably 20 miles from El Paso. I walked quickly through El Paso, though it took at least 2 days. I remember being on a hill at night looking over the river at Juarez, Mexico. The cop had told me it was a pretty lawless place and I remember hearing stories about American woman disappearing there.